Why Being a Stay At Home Mom is Not a Privilege- Being a stay at home is a lot of hard work, sacrifice and dedication. Read why it it’s not a privilege.
Why Being a Stay At Home Mom is Not a Privilege
Being a stay at home mom has taken me on a roller coaster of emotions during the last year of my life. Staying home and taking care of my baby was not something I had ever envisioned for myself. I always saw myself as being the kind of woman who “had it all”. Had a career and was still able to take care of my family and be there for them for whatever they needed.
When I became pregnant it was a surprise but not because we weren’t expecting it. We had decided over a year before that we wanted to expand our family. We had been married for almost a year by then and were in the market shopping for a house. So we thought instead of trying that we would not not be trying. Does that make sense to you?
Well it took me over a year to actually become pregnant and by then a lot of things had happened and a lot of things had changed. After not successfully not finding a house for so long and just becoming frustrated with the whole process we decided to take a break from purchasing a home for sometime. Then we found out we were going to be parents and had to go back to finding a house asap!
How I became a stay at home mom:
We eventually found our home. We also had our child care situation in order. My mom would be watching my baby when I went back to work after my maternity leave was over. Then after just a few weeks my mom wasn’t able to watch her anymore.
So we found someone else. That didn’t work either. So we found someone else. Eventually they couldn’t watch my baby either. So then it was either daycare or me quitting my job to stay home with the baby. I didn’t have he heart to put my little baby in daycare with strangers and honestly, financially it just didn’t make sense for us to do this. Essentially it would’ve been costing me money to have a job.
So long story short, me becoming a stay at home mom was never the plan. It was a choice my husband and I had to make for the well being of our new family. That’s why I say that being a stay at home mom is not a privilege.
Privilege is defined as “a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people”. Being a stay at home mom is not a right, advantage or anything like that which was given to me because I am part of a special moms group who get to stay home all day with their kids.
There’s a lot that comes with being a stay at home mom. Weather you’re a stay at home mom who’s plan wasn’t to stay home to raise their children or one who always envisioned themselves being a mom and housewife; I’m sure we can all agree it’s hard work. And I think we can all agree it’s not a privilege because of the following main reasons.
It’s a sacrifice:
As you can see from what you have read so far I had to sacrifice my career to stay home with my baby. I put myself through school which cost me a lot of money as you could imagine. In fact, I still have one more school loan I’m paying at this moment. I used to work for a bank in their Anti-money laundering department which was a career path I was very happy to take. My job was very stressful but I enjoyed it very much and I feel like I learned a lot of skills that will come in handy for the rest of my life. However, I had to give it up so I could take care of my baby daughter.
We went from being a married couple with two incomes to being a family of three on one income. Yes sacrifices have had to be made so that we can afford for me to stay home and not have to pay a stranger instead to raise our child. People often seem to think that when a woman stays home with her kids that means that her husband is rich. From my own experience and those who I know this is not the case! We have to be savvy with our money, learn how to budget and give up some of the extras.
Finally we sacrifice our time. There’s no me time anymore. Not more spontaneous dates or getaways. My daughter is on a schedule and we live on her routine. So everything we do revolves around my daughter’s schedule.
It’s not a glamorous vacation:
Most people seem to have a common misconception that stay at home moms basically get to sleep in, go shopping all day, get their hair and nails done and then pick up their kids from school and take a long bath then go to bed. First of all, there’s no such thing as sleeping in! Most babies and toddlers don’t sleep in. They wake up super early which means mom’s long day starts along with a long to do list. A lot of moms, like myself wake up even earlier than their kids to get some stuff done in peace.
The only shopping that gets done are either groceries or diapers! Yes there are times when we may take a trip to the mall but 9/10 times is to buy stuff for the kids anyways! Or for the house. And if by getting your hair and nails done you mean cooking and cleaning then yes we do that all day everyday. Oh and don’t forget laundry and driving the kids to school or activities. It’s anything but a vacation!
It gets lonely:
Being a stay at home mom means that you’re never alone yet you’re lonely. You have no privacy not even to use the bathroom. Yet there’s no one to really talk to. Literally everyone I know is at work during the day. It’s not like I can make lunch dates with my friends because they’re working. I’m at home all day with a toddler so there’s not many adult conversations I have these days. Even at mommy and me dance class or story time, the moms that I briefly speak to is just small talk about our kids. There aren’t any co-workers I can turn around and chit chat or gossip for a few minutes a few times a day. It’s just me, my daughter and Mickey Mouse Club House or Elena of Avalon (which I end up paying more attention to than she does).
What it means to be a stay at home mom:
As you can see being a stay at home mom is a lot of work. I know it sounds cliche but our job is literally never done. Chores are endless and kids need constant attention and care. When my husband walks through the door I feel like I can finally sit and take a breathe! So no I’m not privileged because I get to stay at home with my daughter. I get to take care of my daughter and raise her. I’ve had to sacrifice a lot so that my daughter can be with the person who’s going to care for her the most. Her mother. And I wouldn’t change it for anything!
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So great. Thank you for sharing this. I think this definitely gives people a better, and truer, insight on the realities of many stay at home moms!
Thank you Cassie. Being a mom is hard work regardless of what else you do whether you stay home or work or work from home. However, I do believe there are a lot of common misconceptions of what Stay at home moms actually do.
I agree! There are so many misconceptions. Stay home mom is not always (at all) easy.
I agree Felicia! Being a mom is a hard job whether you’re a stay at home mom, working mom or work from home mom. We should all support one another no matter what!
I’m so glad I found this post. I feel you 100% I’m a stay at home mom because my husband got a job in a place where I don’t speak the local language and therefore, I can’t find a job. But anyway, when I think of leaving my baby with someone else I get this horrible anxiety that I can’t explain. So I suffer because I’m at home alone with the baby all day, I feel useless because I don’t bring money to our home, I feel lonely because my family is on the other side of the country and I feel bad when I just think of the possibility of leaving my baby in the daycare. Conclusion, I’m stay at home mom and I feel blue most of the time. Thanks for sharing this
Hi Carolina,
I can relate to your situation. We didn’t move but my family did so I don’t have anyone in my family close to me. I’m with my baby at all times and it’s not really like I have the option to ask someone to watch her while I run errands alone. It definitely does get very lonely and I know the feeling of wanting to make a financial contribution to your household and not be able to like before. Don’t feel like a failure tho you’re doing a wonderful job raising your baby and that’s the best contribution you can make!
You’re so right! We have a similar story in that I never envisioned myself as a SAHM… but it just made sense after looking at the costs and realizing how much I wanted to have the strongest influence on my little one. It is so often lonely and overwhelming… and I was NEVER this tired working a job out of the home! Thanks for sharing your experience in an authentic way!
Yes Chelsea I can relate to wanting to be the strongest influence in my baby’s life too. I didn’t want her picking up bad habits in a daycare. And I also didn’t feel this tired while working full time. Not even while I was working two jobs while going to school full time!
I agree being a stay at home mom is not a vacation and it does get lonely even though we’re rarely alone! Great post!
Thank you so much Emily!
This Resonates with me a lot. I didn’t go to college or anything like that but I also thought that I’d be the kind of woman that would have it all have a career have a nice house a lot of money and still be able to have a clean house take care of all my kids and everything like that . And even though you can deftly have it all I don’t . It’s good to know that there’s others other moms that feel the way I do . Thank you for sharing .
Thank you Nadia! As moms we have to sacrifice for the good of our kids even if that means giving up our careers and other dreams. Or at least putting them on pause for a little while.
So, so incredibly true. While I’m so thankful to be home with my kids, it’s exhausting mentally and physically most days, while also being incredibly isolating at times.
Yes that’s exactly how I feel Amber! It’s a really hard job.
Girl you just described my life for the past few years. You are not alone. We are a family of four with one income. I sacrifice to stay home full time with my second. With my first I worked part time nights but once baby number two I had to be there for now my school age child and my baby. It hasn’t been easy and it’s super lonely but you get through it. This platform has introduced me to some amazing Mommas so that helps. In case you haven’t heard it today your doing an awesome job!!! Great post. Xoxo
Thank you so much for your beautiful comment and encouraging words Regina! You’re doing an amazing job too mama!!
Totally agree with it, being a stay at home mother is not at all an easy job
Not at all Hema!
I totally agree! It’s no vacation and it’s a really hard job. So isolating. I’m grateful to be with my son, but I’m constantly tired!
Yes so hard and lonely a lot of times. I am more tired now than I was while working two jobs and going to school full time. But I wouldn’t change it for anything.
I agree that staying home to raising your children is super hard and truly a sacrifice. I know that staying home with my kids and not being able to work full-time has been a financial struggle for my family. I’ve always needed to work from home, but it was never the same as a steady paycheck. But all the financial sacrifices have been worth it to be able to see my kids growing up into wonderful people. I know that being present and at home had a lot to do with this.
Yes it truly is a huge sacrifice. I believe it’s better for kids to grow home too instead of having stranger watch them. I believe it has a lot to do with what kind of person they grow up to be.
Amen to everything you wrote here, Angie! I used to teach before I had Kimmie, but permanent jobs in my field in our area were scarce, and my hubby (also a teacher) got tenure the year we married. I looked into switching to an administrative track and tried to get half-time positions so I could still be home with her, but quickly realized that even with a few days of child care, that would cost more than I would be making in my new position! Lose-lose. This is SO not the life I imagined or went to school for, for all those years, but I wouldn’t trade it for success in my chosen career in an instant.
Thank you so much Flossie! You’re a perfect example of what I’m taking about and how the decision to stay home with your babies and quit your career is truly a sacrifice. You either stay working to pay for a stranger to raise your kids or give up your career so you can stay with them. I agree I wouldn’t change it either!
Eh, as a stay at home mom I kind of disagree. I know a lot of people who would love to be able to be stay at home parents, but can’t afford to. Not everyone has the choice, and as you said, you could have gone the daycare route but CHOSE not too, a lot of people don’t have that choice. Now I don’t think being a SAHM is an easy job, that I agree with, and if you aren’t a natural introvert, it can get lonely. Then again I chose to be a SAHM and I had no career to begin with, so this is kind of my job and I love it, so I guess to me it’s not really a sacrifice.
I didn’t really have much of a choice when it came down to deciding whether to put my daughter in daycare. Financially it didn’t make any sense because daycare it’s super expensive so it was going to essentially cost me to have a job between daycare, gas, etc. So it didn’t make sense to pay a stranger to raise my child just so that I could have a job. So it was a sacrifice for me to give up my career to raise my daughter! I do love it and wouldn’t change it for anything but nevertheless it was a sacrifice and it is still a constant sacrifice since it can be hard to provide for a family of three on one income!
Every single word of this post has hit a chord in my heart. Recently we had to take this decision for the benefit of our family and I won’t say I regret being a stay at home mom but yes I do agree that it gets lonely in spite of being surrounded by kids and clutter.
Yes I would never regret it either but it definitely is a big change and it does get pretty lonely.
I like this perspective. I have chosen to stay home with our kids, though I did work several years while my first two kids were little. But once we were about to have our third kid, it just seemed too much to work and take care of everything else. I miss working, the extra income and having that identity as part of my life, but not enough to have to figure out daycare and have that extra stress added to our lives.
Thanks for sharing such an honest view.
That’s exactly how I see it too. I miss my work and having my own income but it is not enough to sacrifice my daughter spending most of the day with a stranger and picking up bad habits from other kids. I love being there for my daughter.
So true! I’m a stay at home mom as well with a husband who works long hours. We definitely made several sacrifices as far as time together is concerned since my husband works 14 hour days (2 jobs) to make it possible for me to stay home. But, we are both happy that I’m home with our daughter and have made it work so far!! We’ve become smarter with our finances and trying really hard to stay within our means when spending. You will look back and be so glad you were with your daughter during these early years, even though the days feel long sometimes!!
Thank you Gwendolyn. It’s the same for us. My husband works a lot and really hard so I can stay home with our daughter. You’re right it will all be worth it in the end!
Thank you. I had a woman telling me how privileged I was because I’m a stay-at-home mom. I was confused because she did not know that well but she knows I have a special needs child. I think she meant it differently… and used the wrong word.